In-flight entertainment

Hola again!

Wow, still can't believe how I made such a big deal about my comeback and then didn't write anything for almost 7 months! Sorry for the delay, but I will just chalk it up to an unusual period of relative stability compounded with a newfound (yet short-lived) ability to avoid ridiculous situations...but don't worry it seems to have worn off somehow and I appear to be back to normal- well, if you can call it that!

I actually just got back from a 10 day sojourn to the motherland, it was great to be back in new york with the familia and my friends even though it was so humid that aside from being insanely shiny in all pictures taken of me while there, I also was rocking a permanent hipafro* (*hispanic afro) throughout my entire stay. That was the toughest to deal with, especially since I also made a special trip back to Williamstown for my 10 year college reunion and spent 3 days with friends some of which I hadn't seen in ages! Unfortunately, those that hadnt seen me in a long time now think that over the years I became afflicted with a serious case of very puffy hair...

I returned from williamstown extremely hungover yet high on sour patch kids since I bought a big bag of them for the 3 hour drive. The sugar rush didnt last long though, and by the time I hopped back on a plane for my flight to Madrid the following evening I was doing everything in my power to keep from passing out before they handed out the dinner trays. I had originally checked in online through Continental's website which allowed me to pick my own seat, and seeing that one of my short-term goals in life is to always sit as close as possible to the front of the plane, I chose seat 7C.
As I trudged my way to the seat trying desperately to keep my eyes open, I noticed that not only was my seat in the first row right after business class, but it was also an emergency exit row which meant I would be able to stretch out my legs for the entire flight- so exciting!
I sat down and buckled my seat belt, tensing up a bit when I noticed how closely my row was positioned to the main door. What would happen if some unruly passenger attempted to open it during the flight? My row would be the first to be sucked out, one false move by an enraged traveller and I would be hurtled into the abyss... Maybe the exit row was more dangerous than I had anticipated! Yet soon enough, my fleeting moments of panic gave way to a surge of what I like to call my "American Competitiveness" as I realized how enviable my spot really was...my proximity to the main door meant that I was sitting in pole position and would probably be the very first person to exit the plane. At the thought of beating out crowds of noisy travellers to get to the head of the typically long customs line, I nestled into my chair with a smug grin on my face and every once in a while would throw a few glances of feigned empathy toward the sad looking people making their way to their seats somewhere in the bowels of the plane.
As the rest of the passengers filed in, I noticed that the two seats next to me were still empty, so naturally I began to fantasize that they would never be filled and that I would be able to lie across three seats and fall into a deep sleep for the entire flight.

My dream was soon shattered by a noisy texan drawl, I looked up to see an older couple chatting away loudly in their unmistakeable twang as they settled into the two empty seats to my left. Personally, I hate it when people on planes try to make small talk with me. I know it probably reeks of antisocial behavior but I really try to avoid eye contact as much as possible when seated next to other people just to avoid having to talk with them...so of course after a quick half-smile and nod to acknowledge their presence I buried my nose in my book. The woman was seated right next to me and her husband in the window seat- at first glance I could tell that they were not frequent flyers, they were carrying tons of stuff and began crossing themselves and praying loudly during takeoff. When we reached cruising altitude, dinner was served- from their deafiningly loud conversations I was able to deduce that they were very excited about what appeared to be their very first transatlantic flight. My suspicions were confirmed when the drink cart rolled around and they unknowingly ordered soda, only to change to wine when they saw me happily unscrewing my little bottle of chardonnay.

After dinner, I pushed my seat back and finally started to doze off for a bit when interrupted by the sound of rustling plastic...I opened my eyes to see the Texan couple pulling an endless supply of packages out of a seemingly bottomless bag. Since the noise they were making made it impossible to sleep I stared in awe as the spectacle before me unfolded and the husband proceeded to "teach" his wife the proper way to travel.
He first pulled out matching red fleece blankets which appeared to have been recently purchased as they were still in the packaging, explaining to his wife (and to the flight attendants and passengers online for the bathroom that began crowding around in amusement) that the blankets were specially lined to combat the "harsh" conditions inside the airplane. After placing the enormous red blankets on their laps, they each ceremoniously removed their socks and shoes in order to slip on their special "airplane socks". The special socks, according to the wise Texan, are worn by all long-haul air travellers and would work to increase circulation and to apparently "protect" their feet.

"From what??" -I muttered under my breath-"Frostbite?... deadly strains of airplane fungi??"

I continued to watch them partly out of fascination and partly out of helpess irritation- there was no way I would get any rest while they were loudly outfitting themselves for the flight so I had no choice other than to listen to the rest of the show. The husband then whipped out from another plastic bag two large rubbery blue vinyl bags which they then began to inflate at a ridiculously slow and laborious pace. I suffered through every breath as they meticulously inflated these large blue cushions, wondering the entire time where on earth they would fit them among the growing pile of accessories. The flight attendants and passengers waiting for the bathroom at this point had formed a small throng directly in front of our row to watch the absurdity of the scene as it unfolded before them, a flight attendant calling out " watch out sir, you may pass out from inflating those things before you even get to use them!" which drew laughs from the ever-expanding crowd of onlookers. I cringed deeper and deeper into my seat growing more tired of the inflatable circus with each raspy breath they took as they inflated what they later explained to be "flight cushions". Although they looked like mini rafts, they were inflatable seats that can be apparently placed on your airplane seat for a passenger to then sit on top of. Personally, they didnt look very comfortable seeing that if you sit on top of an inflatable cushion while seated in an already tiny airplane seat it lifts you so high up that you cant even reach the armrests comfortably and you become wedged even further into the narrow space. In any case, they finally managed to position themselves on their raft-thrones but in their excitement failed to notice that in their overzealous attempts at filling them quickly they had had managed to overinflate them by quite a bit. The newlys crafted seats were bursting at the seams and as soon as the Texans sat down suddenly both cushions began to emit a series of horrific hissing and whining noises as the extra air squeezed itsself out. As the shrieking cushions exhaled under the weight of the Texans, I squirmed in my chair trying to escape the noise that began to feel as if someone were drilling a hole inside my head with a blunt screw. At this point they had positioned themselves on the hissing raft long enough for the noise to miraculously stop and for me to regain my sanity, I looked over to see that although they had wrapped themselves from head to toe in their red fleece cocoons and their feet were encased in their ridiculous airline compression socks- they had begun inflating neck pillows too!!! At least the neck pillows took less time to fill than the blue seat rafts, and in a short time they had finished inflating them and had placed them behind their necks. And for the finale they pulled out two silk sleeping masks (one pink, one blue- of course) from yet ANOTHER plastic bag and placed them over their eyes. I must say that I was thankful that they had whipped out the sleeping masks, because by then I just couldnt wipe the silly grin off my face. I tried desperately to tense up every muscle in my body just to prevent me from breaking into a fit of giggles. I really dont know how I managed to contain myself, especially since it's always harder not to laugh after a bottle of wine at 30 thousand feet!
After placing the silky eye masks on their faces and going to sleep the stunned crowd dispersed, I was left alone again with my swaddled, and now sightless row-mates. I have to admit I couldnt stop staring at them, I had never seen anyone bring so many needless accessories onboard a plane in my life- and yet they looked so happy in their inflatable fleece-lined dreamland that I think i may have felt a pang of jealousy...maybe if I had made eye contact at least once they would have offered me some compression socks too???